I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.