If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.