wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
This was the best day of my life
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.