Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now