An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.