[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
You Might Also Like
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*