I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
He took my last fry, your honor
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.