God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank