Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Flock of bats
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Oh. My. God.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.