Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
You Might Also Like
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Meow
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Not even remotely sorry.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.