I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Had an epiphany today.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Siri, fight Alexa.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit