Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure