Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Finally!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.