We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My dress code is business-casualty.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I like long walks away from everyone
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.