I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
A dad and his duck