To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Flock of bats
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My spirit animal is fried chicken
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days