I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.