“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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I know
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.