Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*Inspirational Tweets*
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
this is what they would have looked like, though
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?