[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest