“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?