I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment