Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version βon that farm he was a cowβ which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what youβre saying.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Someone: he doesnβt look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Dance like your kid isnβt secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Simple enough.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.