Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Clients after you give them your rates
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards