Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.