One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man