animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!