Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.