If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me