Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
when there are deer in the woods
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.