CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.