One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You Might Also Like
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.