‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Donating blood today to make room for more food
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
True
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.