i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
plums roundup
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”