“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
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heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.