Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Oh my God.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.