When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are