My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.