I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
British websites use biscuits.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?