No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
How to find Kentucky on a map
stand with me against insufficient seating
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’