If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played