The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice