i think we should see other cousins
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Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
What’s a Messi?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?