Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm