How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
time for some seasonal decor
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
at ease…shoulder.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.