Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You Might Also Like
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now