My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*