I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
How is it still this week?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.