2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
if my sleeping schedule was a person
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
starting a garage orchestra
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue