I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
You Might Also Like
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
grotesque if literal: baby food
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.